“You never know what you or the world will miss out on if you don’t embrace the value of what you bring to the table.” -Sara Curtis

My amazing life isn’t always so amazing, and that’s why I’m so hard on myself. I’ve had numerous friends tell me I’m too hard on myself — especially recently — that don’t seem to understand why. Let me give you, and them, some insight on that: I’m a photographer, and am doing something that as a kid I dreamed about doing for a living. Now that I actually am living that dream, I believe it is my duty to make the most of it. I believe it is a sin to waste a God-given talent you know you have, especially when you can help and / or inspire others through that talent. Yes, you heard me. I believe that I not only can help and inspire others through my photography, but that I have a responsibility to do so.

I’m not talking about the work I do that just sells a random product or service, I’m talking about the work I do (often just for myself) that tells a story. The work I do that helps others to see the world from a new perspective. My love for photography runs so much deeper than just fancy lighting, composition, or photo gear. It is about people. I have what feels like an unquenchable desire to understand people better, and to understand myself better. Through this desire and my work, I believe I can, in turn, help people understand themselves and others better. I can inspire people to treat other people better. So I’m not just passionate about photography, I’m passionate about people, and making the world a more enjoyable place to live.

None of this is easily done though, which brings me back to the notion that I am too hard on myself. This business I’m in can be such an emotional and financial rollercoaster, so I have to be hard on myself, because nobody else is going to be. I don’t have a boss to answer to, other than myself, those I owe money to every month, and God. I don’t have a performance review every quarter at work that could get me fired, or a boss that is overseeing my work every day. People often tell me that they admire that I get to make my own schedule and work when I want to. They’re envious that I can make my own way in life without having to deal with the corporate work environment that makes them miserable Monday through Friday. This can be awesome at times, but more often than not it is not so awesome. It is a daily battle for me to be productive and to end the day feeling like I have given my best effort. There are so many days that I feel that I have lost this battle and should be fired as a result. It makes me feel horrible about myself.

I’m a perfectionist, and I’m a procrastinator. These two traits don’t go well together. I too often let my desire to do things just right prevent me from doing them at all. I don’t want to start doing something because I don’t feel that I have time to do it in its entirety to my liking. So I put off even starting. Yet, I have discovered that just getting myself to start on something can be more than half of the battle of actually getting it done. So why don’t I just get started on it all, finish it, and be done with it? Well, because I have so much I want to do and that I feel like I need to do that it causes problems in deciding what to do first. It overwhelms me. It can be paralyzing and so incredibly frustrating. So, for the past couple of years I have been on a mission to become not just a better photographer but a better person overall.

This is a stack of books I’ve bought that I’m either in the process of reading, or am needing to start reading. It’s ironic that these books that I read to give me insight on how to better deal with stress and anxiety in my life — how to live my life better — actually cause more stress and anxiety for me. I say this because I feel like I’m not able to read them fast enough. And once I have, I feel that I don’t retain enough information from them. I am a big fan of “self-help” books like these. Some people see reading books like this as a sign of weakness. Well I see those people refusing to acknowledge that they don’t have all the answers in life and seeking them out as needed by such books as being willfully ignorant. Any textbook is a self-help book. A dictionary is a self-help book. The Bible, is a self-help book.

“Never decide what you want to do, before you decide who you want to be.” –Andy Stanley

The above quote resonates with me because I someday hope to be a successful photographer that inspires and helps others through my work, all while being an amazing husband and father to a wife and kids that love me. That’s my dream. I want to be great at both, so I’m trying to train myself to do both now, even though I’m not married yet, and may never get married. This brings me to my latest source of why I have been so hard on myself recently in particular. I went through a period of work that made it feel like everything was coming together for me career wise; I was making crazy good money. During this period I met somebody (a girl) that made me feel like my personal life was finally all coming together as well. After having kept women at arms’ distance for years, I finally truly let myself fall in love with one again. I really believed with all my heart that God put her in my life and wanted me to be with her. I thought she was the one I would end up marrying, which was huge for me. I don’t feel that often, and it felt amazing. After a while though, she began to make me feel like nothing was right with me. Looking back on it all now, I realize her behavior throughout the relationship very much represented that of somebody with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This really made me beat myself up over things I shouldn’t have. I was blinded by love though. Ultimately, she ended up letting it slip out in frustration one night that I didn’t make enough money for her after having hit a slow period with work. Yeah. And then, a month or so after this, after we had already split, she went on to tell me that she was worried another girl would get a better version of me than she did.

What she didn’t seem to realize is that she got a better version of me than the girlfriend that came before her. And that she had a better version of me in the end of the relationship, than the one she got when she first started dating me, because I’m constantly working on improving myself. So that relationship showed me I was able to be crazy in love with somebody again, which I’m thankful for, and it has pushed me to work harder than ever to live up to my potential. I hope to never date a girl that would tell me I don’t make enough money for her again, that was a massive error in judgment of character on my part . But now I am determined to make every month a good month financially, not just some months. I don’t mind being poor myself sometimes, but I would never want to ask my wife or kids to be too. So, she served as a great reminder of this to me. And the next girl will most definitely get a better version of me – a version with a little more baggage – but she will get a better version of me. So that is why I’m so hard on myself.

Do you have issues deciding what you need to do consistently in life to feel like you’re getting the most out of it — and then actually doing those things? There’s an app for that. irununrun is an app that you can download and use to help you do the things you know you need to do consistently, day after day. You can add friends that can see your progress and you can see theirs to establish a sense of accountability with each other. It also gives you a score. You can see right now that I’m still failing this week. You can only set up to seven daily “actions” for yourself so as to force you to think about what you *really* need to do consistently and not overload yourself with things that really don’t matter. Notice I only have four set right now. I believe doing these things everyday, especially the first two, are key to getting to where I want to be. They all may look easy, but actually doing all of these things consistently has proven to be very challenging for me.

I’m so hard on myself because I’m tired of feeling like I’m not living up to my potential in life. I constantly am looking for ways to change this. Some of it has been as simple as getting cable TV shut off so as to not waste precious time watching some crap television show, but other things have required much more effort and intent on my part. I have been taking massive action recently to feel like I’m doing all that I can be to be the best version of myself that I can be. Here are just a few of those actions:

1. Waking up and asking God for His help first thing in the morning, and thanking Him for all that he does to help, even the things I’m not aware of. I’ve got to work like it depends on me, and pray like it depends on Him.

2. I’ve never been a morning person. I’m more focused, more creative, and just more productive in general at night. Well, I’m now forcing myself to become a morning person and deal with the sleep issues I’ve had for years by going to bed at midnight, and waking up at 7:30 am – not just on workdays – but everyday. The idea is to set my internal clock to coincide more with normal business hours, and to establish some semblance of structure to my day.

3. I have been avoiding letting myself get attached, or even associating too much with a couple of girls that seem to be interested in me. These are great girls. Smart, beautiful, Christian, ambitious — they got it going on. But I simply can’t be everything I feel like I would want to be to them right now, so I would rather just not be anything to them at all and focus on my work.

4. I’m trying to treat myself better by eating healthier and exercising more. Rather than trying to block out a whole hour or so for exercising each day, I’m just exercising in five-minute windows throughout the day — pushups mainly. I also rarely allow myself to drink now. I can’t express how much not drinking (often too much) on a regular basis has improved my life. I miss trying different types of craft beer, which I love, but overall, I don’t miss it.

5. I read through my list of goals and dreams every morning now before I start my day of work to remind me of where I am, and where I aspire to be.

6. I work from home and can sit around in pajama pants all day on the days I’m not shooting if I want to, but this just seems to promote laziness and procrastination. So now, I actually put on real clothes, deodorant, cologne, and even brush my teeth first thing rather than waiting till noon to do all this. It’s like I’m actually going to a place of employment and not just my desk in the next room over.

7. I constantly am reading a book, or a few books at the same time, that give me insight into how to live my life better and accomplish more of what I want to accomplish in life.

8. I meet with a life coach, Jason Montoya of Noodlehead Marketing every week for two hours. He has become a true friend to me and has amazing insight on life. He has forced me to think about and deal with things that I didn’t want to think about and deal with. I so appreciate him and other friends that push and inspire me to be a better person as he has. He has done all this without having ever made me feel judged or bad about myself though. What an amazing guy. Thanks, Jason.

9. I actually have started keeping a journal of things I want in life, and things I don’t want in life: situations, types of people, and environments. I write about what I’ve learned through my successes and my mistakes. Yes, I realize writing in a journal is not the manliest thing to do, but getting it all out of my head and on paper really helps me with making sense out of it all. I’ve discovered that writing is one of the most therapeutic things I can do for myself, along with taking photos with nobody to please by doing so other than myself.

10. I finally gave in and went to a doctor (who has since diagnosed me with adult ADHD) that prescribed medication to help me stay focused. It works wonders when I do take it. My issue is that I sometimes don’t want to. I don’t like the idea of developing a mindset that I “need” a substance to function in life. 

11. I try to help people out as much as possible when I can. I’m convinced that giving to others while expecting nothing in return for it is the key to true success and happiness in life.

Yes, I believe that giving to others while expecting nothing in return is the key to success and happiness in life. My writing this blog post is an effort at doing that, as is some of the photos I take and share online. The idea to write all this hit me last week after having lunch with,Travis, the COO of iRunURun. He expressed to me how many other people feel just as I do, and how they’re just as frustrated. Since then, a few things have spurred the idea of so openly sharing all this about myself: the quote from my friend, Sara, that I started the post with randomly popped back up on my radar the other day. Then, Mike “MacDaddy” McHargue wrote and ask me to participate in his #MyAmazingLife project about depression brought on by social media. And, to top it all off, last night I sat through a church service that encouraged people to deal with their baggage by being open about it, and then sharing how they’ve dealt with it with those that may be going through the same issues. Sometimes you get the feeling that The Big Guy Upstairs is asking you to do something, and you just know you have to do it. Well, now I’ve honored His request. I’m not proud of some of this, but I’m not ashamed of any of it either. If just one person is inspired by my story, or encouraged in a way that could affect their life or the lives those around them — then it will be totally worth putting so much of myself out there.

So, all of the above is my amazing life. All of the above is why I’m so hard on myself. And all of the above is why I’m so passionate about what I’m trying to do with my life. My biggest enemy in doing that is myself. It’s not my work – it’s me.

I have a handfull of people that I ask to proofread my blog post for me. The primary proofer for this particular post was my friend Sara Colvin. Sara is a pharmacist, medical headhunter, and a great writer. When she sent me her edits to this post, she also included the follow thoughts at the end. I felt like they were too good not to share:

“Yes you are too hard on yourself, but not for the reasons you think. Sorry, you don’t get proofing without my 2 cents 😉 Perfectionism is just a form of fear that you aren’t good enough, and self-improvement is your way of telling yourself that you are in control… because deep down your true fear is that you have no power or control over your life. I would caution you against making a dozen changes at once. Change one thing and let it become engrained in your life before going gangbusters on everything else. Procrastination and perfectionism go hand in hand. You are a lot like me, maybe because we have the same birthday. Your fear of marriage is the same thing as your perfectionism… you’re afraid to fail. Well, if you ask a thought-leader or CEO they will tell you that the key to innovation and change is failure. What would it say about you if you got divorced? Failed a client? Asked for a time extension? Landed in rehab? Does that all sound like the blackest end of the world to you? Well, honey I’ve been through all of that… and yet people still respect my “talents” enough to ask me to proofread their most important documents. Being hard on yourself is not a virtue. Marianna Williamson says that we are hard on ourselves in retrospect because of the self-discipline we lacked at the beginning of the process. THAT can be changed, but you also have to sometimes say that “it’s all going to be ok, even if I fail.” And our concept of failure is rarely conjured up from our own consciousness. Ask yourself… to whom am I trying to be good enough? The answer may surprise you.”

I love having people like her in my life that encourage me to look at things in a different way. Sara, thank you for the great insight, and for taking the time to proof this horrifically long post. Me love you long time.